I fancied myself capable of juggling a dozen activities and, whether or not I could succeed at each of them, my arms are getting tired. So before I drop the ball, let me set it down.

The Haute House is now closed for off-season work. I’m going back to school to grab a quick minor, paying off the last of my collegiate debts, and taking a big fat winter’s nap before picking the site up again in February. When that glorious day of reawakening comes, you may find that The Haute House has metamorphosed into something a little… bigger. I’d love to stay and explain, but Bovine Endocrinology waits for no man (or blogger.)

I hope you’ll all be ready to pick up where we left off, even after a cold season apart.

-L’Avant Gardener

• Many blame this famine on a record draught which crippled Somalia’s home food supply. Others blame it on persistent corruption and civil warfare. It is, of course, caused by both.
• The Somalis most likely to feel the effects of this famine were already weak; young children, women with little power, those whose strengths are diminished by disease or injury etc. When the most accurate report to date was released, the death toll of children who died of malnourishment startled the world’s aid workers and advocates of hunger relief; almost thirty thousand infants dead.
• While handing out food to the hungry will not end the crisis, organizations know that, in such an emergency, there is little else you can do. Without access to food, Somalis at home and abroad in refugee camps will certainly continue to die.
• Many who have stayed in Somalia face a major hurdle; warlords and militants linked to al-Qaeda are preventing the World Food Programme from distributing goods, claiming there is no hunger to alleviate in Somalia.
• U.S. workers and soldiers complain about the distribution process; parents will take from their children, husbands will beat their wives, and communities tear themselves apart in the scramble for basic nutrients. This is just another example of why hunger is so terrible. Without solving this problem, we cannot possibly hope to restore order, build schools, teach languages or stabilize a faltering economy.
• Refugee camps are full. Camps across the border that were once built for war refugees have maximum capacities that were already met before the famine. Now, in refugee camps like Dadaab in Kenya, areas cleared for 90,000  are home to 400,000 refugees. With this growing overpopulation, there is little possibility of ensuring care for all residents.
• Incidents of rape and murder are becoming more frequent, and more difficult to prevent. Police forces are overworked and, oftentimes, cannot protect refugees who travel long distances. Between one city and the other, starving families are defenseless.

Here is a list of organizations actively administering aid to Somali communities. Each NPO gives information on how you can contribute from overseas. Please consider the crisis, the helplessness of these people, and the luxury of your current situation. A little assistance could go a long way.

Image property of: news.nationalpost.com

-L’Avant Gardener

• This video tries to simulate the effects of Synesthesia, which may affect up to 1 in 23 people. This condition will tie multiple sensations together, causing those effected to see a sound, hear a taste, feel an aesthetic, associate colors with numbers, personalities with days of the week, etc. I can’t help but wonder what sound is most like red wine, and what stirring clockwise smells like.
• My war against the American “yard” continues. A woman in Oak Park, Michigan could spend  93 days in jail for planting a vegetable garden in her front yard, instead of “…suitable, live plant material.” Though the neighborhood kids are loving it, and helping her keep the organic garden running, the city planner maintains that “[The garden] is not what we want to see in a front yard.” No word on this man’s view of women in pants, rock music, Huck Finn or four-dollar coffee drinks.
• Another head-scratcher from the foodie-spokeswoman-we-never-asked-for: ”I’d rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a can.” Thank you, Gwyneth Paltrow. That’s very… good to know?

-L’Avant Gardener

The effect was to turn me off of the stuff entirely. As if the sickly sweet and flat (“It tastes exactly the same!”) flavor wasn’t enough, the physical evidence certainly did the trick. I knew then, as the world knows now: Diet sodas don’t do their job very well.

With a study of almost 500 participants over 10 years, researchers found that drinking diet soda is linked to significant growth in the waistline area. Occassional drinkers experienced 70% more growth, and frequent diet soda drinkers experienced (Are you ready for this?) as much as 500% more growth than their plain-jane peers.

Helen Hazuda, who worked on the project, has a few ideas about why this weight-gain was so significant. Some of the major differences between the two drinks are the sweeteners used. Diet sodas use sugar substitutes which are ”…as much as 180 times sweeter than sugar – they actually lead you to the point of craving even sweeter things, and these might be things that aren’t good for you.” She also notes that folks tend to “overcompensate,” eating less healthily because they are making a habit of drinking diet sodas.

If you’ve ever been out with friends who order six consecutive rum and diet cokes, you’ll understand why.

-L’Avant Gardener

Sadly, the Republican-led House has voted to chip away at the FDA’s budget for food safety research and implementation, crippling many beneficial programs in the process. No word yet on whether the 20 billion dollar air conditioning bill from overseas bases can be reduced. (My WWII-North-Africa-roving-veteran of a grandfather would be slapping his knee at that bit of news, by the way. “Haw! In my day…”)

The argument? According to Rep. Jack Kingston (R-Ga.) the U.S. food supply is “99.9 percent safe.”

Oh man. Is this for real?

According to the CDC, food-bourne illnesses are suspected to cause “up to 81 million illnesses and 9,000 deaths per year” in the U.S. alone. And let’s not forget that this brand of illness is one of the most difficult to track, as people rarely seek medical attention until symptoms have progressed dangerously.

…But otherwise our food is “99.9 percent safe.”

If the CDC didn’t say so, and the FDA doesn’t say so… where is this guy getting his information?

Here are some of the approved budget cuts:

• $832 million from emergency feeding programs for poor mothers and infants
• Shutting down progress to sell genetically engineered salmon
• $87 million from the FDA’s Food Safety Program
• $35 million from the USDA’s Food Safety and Inspection Program

I’ll leave you with a final thought concerning “self-policing” businesses. In the proponent argument surrounding these budget cuts, Mr. Kingston said the following:

“The food supply in America is very safe because the private sector self-polices, because they have the highest motivation. They don’t want to be sued, they don’t want to go broke. They want their customers to be healthy and happy.”

Apparently U.S. Beef’s tango with Mad Cow (2003-2007), E. coli in our burgers (1993), Sanlu’s toxic baby formula (2008), drug-resistant Salmonella in 55,000 pounds of turkey (2011), Listeria in our bags of salad (2011), 500 million eggs recalled (2010), and the massive peanut-butter crisis (2009) –To name just a few– are exempt from this brilliant analysis of the state of our food system.

So sleep soundly tonight, America! Businesses are out to give you the highest quality service without being regulated or told to do so. Gone are the days when folks would sell you low quality goods for a profitable mark up or cut corners to save themselves a few cents. Thank goodness!

Because, you know, dying young so that some industry mogul can buy themselves a new coupé really… sucks.

-L’Avant Gardener

Suffice it to say that there’s a new product on the market shelves or, rather, a very old product soaring out of obscurity on its second wind: Ass milk. [I can't. I just... can't.]

Once a coveted secret of historic beauties (Cleopatra, Pauline Bonaparte and Nero’s second wife to name a few) Asses’ Milk became a fairly common ingredient in soaps and cosmetics. Up until the 1920s it was used as a substitute for human mothers’ milk, as its composition was similar. The practice fell out of vogue in the past century, slowly being replaced by baby formulas and that ilk.

Despite this tumble from glory, things are looking up for the ass market.

Researchers cannot deny that this milk is high in protein, low in fat, and extremely beneficial to children and those adults suffering from osteoporosis, bovine allergies and (possibly) diabetes. The taste is also very popular, being naturally sweet. Aside from the cost of production (which would surely decline if there was a rise in popularity) Ass Milk is faultless.

I’ll say it loud and proud, readers: I would have a glass if I could. The massive U.S. cattle industry, in all of its forms, has been a huge problem recently. Air pollution, welfare concerns, and the slow, solemn, surly shift towards more modern and ethical practices have made American cattlemen the poster-boys of “Amuricuh,” whether or not such a reputation is deserved. But competition certainly couldn’t hurt. The way I see it is: If a measure of my diet is so heavily monopolized by a few giant producers, I’m eager to give the little guy a chance.

So pour me a glass, find me some Oreos and get used to saying things like “Oh, and honey? Could you pick up a gallon of Ass Milk while you’re out? Thanks. Mwah!”

-L’Avant Gardener

Designed in 1992, this visual guide to healthy eating has made many a food and/or nutrition expert tilt their head to one side and say, incredulously, “For real?” None of these experts will mourn the loss of the pyramid, and the reason is simple: It was totally misleading.

The pyramid, burned into the ore of our brains from kindergarten, was preposterous. It led innocent minds (such as mine) to believe that bread was a healthy diet’s foundation. It took a few rattling lectures and a literary introduction to Mr. Pollan before I realized how backwards that was. Even if you study the work of Dr. Weston Price you see the flaw: processed grains are causing our society all kinds of problems.

While granola and whole wheat are still great building blocks for your diet, it would be more accurate to put the emphasis on vegetables and fruits. Without them, your body simply can’t function the way it is built to. Overload the already malnourished system with white bread, cereals and pastas and… well… you’ll have a major problem. (AKA: Obesity.)

The answer, of course, was to create another infographic almost 20 years later. It’s called MyPlate, with a space missing between words to make it more meta than you will ever be. The image is a simple plate that serves up roughly equal amounts of fruit, vegetables, grains and protein. Easy to remember, right?

But I’ll add a word of caution: Those grains aren’t white, buttered dinner rolls. The fruit can’t be cranberry sauce. Those vegetables had better be fresh or barely cooked. And the protein? Let’s just say it together, shall we? “Grilled.”

Nobody ever said eating healthily was fun.

…But neither is the obesity epidemic.

So long, food pyramid of our youths! Angela Chase and Sonic are both waiting, arms outstretched, to welcome you to obscurity!

-L’Avant Gardener

Origin:

• This outbreak is believed to have begun in Germany, where thousands are currently suffering from E. coli or resultant HUS.
• There are reports of it having spread to 15 countries, and as far as the USA.
• German officials originally thought the outbreak originated in Spain, costing the country’s agricultural economy millions of dollars. It was later discovered that this was inaccurate.
• As of June 6th, tests are being conducted to prove or disprove the theory that sprouts from Lower Saxony are the original source. There is no proof that the disease began in this location, or with this product.
• A German restaurant is also being considered as a source.
• The true origin is still unknown, though the disease continues to spread.

Prevention:

• E. coli is a bacteria, and the most common vessels of transportation to a human consumer are water and raw produce. It can easily be spread by contact if a surface is contaminated.
• To prevent spreading the disease or becoming contaminated, wash your hands properly and frequently.
• Rinse all fresh produce, peeling when you can.
• Beware of packaged produce such as prepared salads, pre-packed leafy greens, etc. E. coli is very rarely found on fruits or vegetables, though a study in 1996 found that 13% of sampled bags of pre-packaged salad greens contained the bacteria.
• Maybe don’t go to Hamburg, Germany for a few weeks. Trade in your tickets for… I don’t know… Mexico?

I’ll update you when and if the source of this outbreak is found. Until then: You can’t eat once you’re dead… so don’t let your lunch kill you.

-L’Avant Gardener

If you’ve bought yourself a little kitchen torch, you have no excuse. I’m about to give you the simplest recipe this site has ever published.. and I’m chasing it with enough tips and tricks to make a custard guru out of the most soccermommiest of home cooks.

Crème Brûlée for Two

You will need:

• 1 c Whipping Cream
• 1/2 tsp Finest vanilla extract in your pantry
• 2 tbsp Sugar, plus about 3 tbsp to caramelize
• 2 Large egg yolks
• Boiling water, 2 ramekins, a baking pan and a kitchen torch

To make crème brûlée, pour cream and vanilla into a small sauce pot and place on stove. Heat the mixture, stirring carefully, until bubbles form a ring along the inside. Remove from heat, cover, and allow to sit for about twenty minutes.

In a mixing bowl, fold the yolks and 2 tbsp sugar until mixture is smooth and lighter in color.

When the cream has cooled somewhat, pour slowly into the egg mixture, skimming away any skin that has formed. Stir constantly, but gently. When the mixture is consistent, pour into two (6-7 oz) ramekins. Place these into your baking pan, and set on the center rack of a 320ºF oven. Pour boiling water into the pan until it comes halfway up the sides of the ramekins. Close the oven and allow to bake for 20 minutes. Check the ramekins every five minutes that follow, until the custards are beginning to set. (Firm, but wobbly. Think mayonnaise.)

Remove ramekins from the pan, and the pan from the oven. Allow the custards to cool a little while at room temperature before covering them and putting them in the refrigerator to chill. After about 2 hours, remove from the refrigerator and uncover.

If the tops appear dry enough, coat with an even layer of sugar. This is usually about 1 1/2 to 2 tbsp per crème brûlée. Burn in a circular motion until the entire tops have melted, bubbled, and browned. Allow this fresh caramel to cool before serving.

If you’d like, you can cover these crème brûlées and save them for up to 48 hours.

Troubleshooting: Because a bad custard tastes about as delicious as it looks.

If your crème brûlée comes out uneven, preventing you from distributing your sugar consistently along the top, make sure you haven’t been whisking or beating your mixtures. Every step that combines ingredients is gentle in this recipe. You don’t want too much air in your custard or the texture will be disappointing and, frankly, very unlike crème brûlée.

If your custard is riddled with gummy brown boogers, you need to strain more carefully. If you can’t catch all of the skin with a spoon, consider buying a super-fine mesh strainer to do the work for you.

If your custards are cooking too fast, boiling in the oven, setting prematurely, or tasting of omelets, there are two possibilities. Either you need to check that your oven is operating at the temperatures it’s supposed to be set to (an oven thermometer will clear this up in a jiffy) or you haven’t utilized the water bath. Basically, the hot water you add to the baking pan will slow down the cooking process, preventing separation or over-cooking. If you have trouble working with the boiling water while juggling everything else, consider putting a saturated towel in the pan (under the ramekins) instead. This doesn’t work as well, but it prevents a big mess and usually keeps your desserts from being spoiled.

If a thick skin forms on top of your custards, try baking it with a slip of aluminum laid loosely on top of the baking pan, one corner flipped up. If done correctly, this shouldn’t steam the custard to mush. It will, however, serve to protect the tops from too much oven exposure.

If you can’t distribute the raw sugar on top of the custard without it getting too damp to burn, try leaving the chilled, set custards on the counter for a few minutes. Hopefully some of the moisture will evaporate.

With all of that veteran advice, you’d better be halfway done with your first batch of crème brûlée by now. If they come out less-than-perfect, tell me what went down (or what went wrong) and we’ll figure it out. If I have to bake and eat a hundred sample batches before we can diagnose the exact problem, so be it! Yes, friends. I’m that dedicated to… um… your success.

-L’Avant Gardener

Here’s a link that details some of the many ways CSA (Community Supported Agriculture) farms are saving American consumers, farmers, and economies. While there, you should also search for an active CSA in your area. With little to no trouble at all, you can be a hero at home and on the field.

Local Harvest CSA Search

-L’Avant Gardener